


The Importance of Being Cantankerous

by cthchewy (pyrrhic_victoly)



Series: Brofriendsprits 'verse [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Banter, Bickering, Can Town, How Do I Tag, M/M, does can-baby count as an OC?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-10
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-08 06:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1929954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrrhic_victoly/pseuds/cthchewy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The life and times of DJ Cantankerous: Stridenasty Spawn, Ex-Threshecutioner, Muy Caliente Vigilante with Crustacean Armor +10 Pulchritude.  </p><p>Dave is a horrible mother.  Karkat is a diligent father.  Their son is still a can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Importance of Being Cantankerous

**Author's Note:**

> This should probably be read after "Dave: Teach Karkat how to Twerk", but really, all you need to know is that DJ Cantankerous is a can of Extra Spicy Grubsauce that Dave drew on and was going to present to Karkat as their ironic mpreg babby. (But then he forgot.)

The Mayor is threatening to kick you out of Can Town again, but this time it's not for a good reason like making surprise renovations. This time it's because - and he stomps wildly to emphasize how important this is - you are a criminally negligent guardian who is to have his parental rights terminated! Can Town is tough on crime! Can Town does not tolerate mothers who abandon their offspring to go get some tail!

"This is bullshit, Mayor. You can't do this to me."

"Silence!" Terezi bangs her can-on-a-stick gavel. "The accused will kindly shut his face while the Mayor is speaking!"

"No I will not shut my pie-hole. What's not fair is having my ex being judge, jury, and executioner in this farce of a trial. I thought better of Can Town justice, but apparently I was wrong."

"Oh stop being such a wiggler. Our parting was mutual and I am completely impartial."

The Mayor puts his hands on his hips and nods furiously in accord with Terezi. She is his most loyal legislacerator and how dare you try to make this out about her. He gives you a stern wag of the finger.

"Hey c'mon, I wasn't picking on Rezi. I'm just saying she might be biased against me because of our past. And what we had back then, yeah I'll admit it was half my fault it failed, but I'm a changed man, Mayor. Honest."

Terezi sighs dramatically, shrugs and shakes her head like 'what can you do?' "Dave, Dave, Dave… You forget that I'm also Karkat's ex. If anything, I'm the _best_ person for the case because I've dated both of you and have grown equally disenchanted with your antics."

"What does Karkat have to do with this?"

"Seriously, Coolkid? I didn't think you were so ignorant of the law. When you lose custody, he gains it. Unless he doesn't want custody, in which case the wiggler becomes a ward of the state. If you ever want to see your spawn again, I suggest you prostrate yourself at Karkles' feet and beg him to take custody and let you be a part of this child's life."

"What no. He doesn't even know about Lil' DJ."

Terezi and the Mayor gasp. "Just how irresponsible _are_ you? You carried this child to term while dating Karkat and _not once_ did you let it slip that he might be a human father? Or..." Terezi gasps again, then leans forward and lowers her voice in a sinister manner. "Is he not the father?"

"Lies and slander! How dare you accuse a lady of cheating! I've never taken another troll's bulge up my human nook; Karkat's squirmy alien trouser snake is the only squirmy alien trouser snake for me. Or..." You also lean forward and pitch your voice like a sinister movie villain. "Are you the father?"

Western showdown music plays in the background. A melodic whistle carries across the breeze, followed by Spanish guitar. You and Terezi glare at each other from behind your respective shades. You are the rogue gunman in this scenario. Terezi: the law. The Mayor trembles behind her, protecting a massive wad of blankets in his arms. Presumably, there is a baby in there somewhere.

It's then that you notice, out of the corner of your eye, that Karkat is standing at the entrance to Can Town with his fist raised to the wall, poised to knock. He stands frozen, eyes bugging out, brows furrowed in do-I-wanna-know-is-it-worth-the-trauma.

Terezi sniffs when she notices your shift in attention. She turns to Karkat and licks her crazy shark-teeth. The Mayor flails to express his shock at this sudden turn of events.

"I'm _what_ now?"

Karkat is oddly composed for… well, for him. This bodes either very well or not well at all. You share a glance/sniff with Terezi where the two of you essentially communicate, "awwww shee-yit". Nobody wants to be the one to explain and become the reason for another noise disturbance that'll bring the neighbors running to see what's wrong and/or psychoanalyze the participants.

Karkat is becoming impatient. He crosses his arms and starts tapping his feet and you all know he's going to stomp around like mini-Godzilla if he doesn't get some answers, stat. The Mayor nudges you with a foot, hands you DJ Cantankerous as a peace offering. He's telling you to go fix your mistakes. Go and save that nuclear family unit, Strider!

With DJ finally back in your arms, your bosom heaves. It heaves and you stumble to your sexy bro-boyfriend-matesprit-thing. "Karkles, no! This isn't how you were supposed to find out!" You fall to his feet and sob. "I was going to tell you, I swear. It's just that I got distracted by your hot ass…"

Terezi nods solemnly. "It is quite a fine posterior."

Karkat shakes his head. "I still don't know what's going on."

"It's like this," she says. "Dave got human-pregnant with your grub and birthed it in secret. However! Can Town's legal system has determined him to be an unfit mother!"

"You gotta believe me, Kittykat…" you say into his pants leg, "I tried my best but you know how forgetful I am. I'm too young to be a mother; I didn't know what I was doing! Please give me another chance!"

"You left your son out on the meteor's surface for _days_ , Cherry Kool-aid. Were this Alternia, he would have died of sun exposure. The Mayor was extremely distraught when he found out and had to head the rescue mission himself."

Karkat is looking increasingly conflicted, torn as to whether or not he wants to scream you all into submission for your stupidity. The Mayor jumps in and leads you all to sit down for negotiations. He pats Karkat's arm consolingly, which does wonders for calming him down. Bless the Mayor. Even if he's being an unreasonable bitch about your lack of parenting skills, he's still the best.

The first thing Karkat says when you've all settled down by the Courthouse is, "Wait, so if Dave and I had a grub, where is it?"

Fuck yes, he's playing along. Internal hell-fucking-yeahs go around for the rest of you.

"Here, man." You dump the blanket ball into his arms.

"You birthed a bunch of fabric?"

"My Doritos-blanket was cooler."

The Mayor flails at you again. The Doritos-blanket was drafty and still had Doritos crumbs stuck inside some of the bags you glued together. Do you want your precious baby to be rolling around in cheese dust and artificial coloring?

"Strider family tradition. It was how Bro raised me."

The Mayor is saddened at your poor upbringing.

"Don't be sad, Mayor. Bro made sure I had all the food groups. If I didn't eat my veggies, he'd beat me up and pour pureed spinach down my throat as I struggled and cried on a bed of puppet dongs."

Your exposition makes the Mayor even sadder.

Meanwhile, Terezi has unwrapped the blanket to show off the can underneath. "He has your horns," she says to Karkat.

"I can see that."

"They're delicious little candy corn nubs that pair exquisitely with Dave's black licorice shades."

"You fucking licked my grub, Terezi? That's sick."

"How else was I supposed to see my human-nephew! Stop being such a party pooper."

"Then you stop being such a grublicker!"

She gives him the Terezi face. The this one: >:[ 

"So yeah," you say, "That's our son, DJ Cantankerous Strider-Vantas. DJ Cantankerous is his actual name, not just his DJ name. He spins ill beats at this ironic-awesome club, Space Jam." You do like Vanna White and reveal to him the majesty of Space Jam, the club the Mayor drew for you during the most recent remodeling of Can Town. It has neon lights in the shape of a solar system and everything. Bugs Bunny is the doorman. "So 1996 up in this bitch, just like The Thresh Prince. Yeah, you like that I threw in that reference, don't you, Vantas."

He totally likes it. You can see it in his eyes even as he tries to frown more to compensate for the fact that he is actually amused by your epic bullshittery.

"I thought this Strider nookspawn was still a grub. How has he already found employment, and why is he not a Threshecutioner."

"'Cuz hybrid vigor. Also Twilight. He's a Gary Stu."

Terezi helpfully translates. "In Which a Homely Oliveblood is Pursued by a Rainbow Drinker because Her Blood is Uncommonly Delicious etc., Meets the Rainbow Drinker's Clade etc., is Turned into a Rainbow Drinker etc., Their Eerily Perfect Half Rainbow Drinker Spawn Grows Exceedingly Fast."

"As for the second part, he _was_ a Threshecutioner. The Empire's ways didn't jibe with him, though. DJ's a free spirit. Takes after his Aunt Rezi's eyebrows like that. Can't be tamed."

Karkat scowls at the can, baring all his nubby teeth. He emits a low growling noise from somewhere that's not quite his throat. You wish you could understand Giant Space Insect-ese because you can't tell if this is a "imma fuck you up" growl or a "lemme think for a sec" growl. For a while there you think he's going to chuck DJ at the wall and you'll all be showered in a rain of spicy grubsauce.

Then he says, "No spawn of mine is going around naked." Karkat reaches for the construction paper and proceeds to make DJ a badass set of armor.

The Mayor swoons. Terezi swoons. You all swoon for Big Daddy Vantas. Fuckin' look how diligently he folds that paper armor. That right there is a man's man; a troll's troll.

Oh god it looks like a crab. So effin' cute. Karcrab and Soncrab are going to be the death of you.

 

\---

 

It's decided that you are allowed to have joint custody. You're still on probation, but as long as Karkat is there to be the responsible one, the Mayor can rest easy with the knowledge that Lil' DJ will not end up accidentally abandoned in a far corner of the meteor. This decision has led to the added bonus of inspiring Karkat to stop by Can Town more often. Like now, when the two of you are on your hands and knees, tracing over things with fresh chalk.

Karkat takes to fake-parenting remarkably well. He is, after all, Troll Team Mom due to ectobiology. And also not ectobiology. John might have been Human Team Mom just because he smashed a couple of buttons on alien tech and popped out some goo-babbies, but he didn't _mother_ his teammates the way Karkat did. Does. Will do. (Because Karkat does nagging mother hen so well, you decided as soon as you painted those nubby horns on a can of grubsauce that the ironic thing to do would be to claim the title of mother for yourself and let Karkat be proud papa.)

Today the Mayor wants the roads redrawn. He puts you in charge of them while he goes to get some well-deserved shut-eye. You made the mistake of doing some of the lines in red last time and now they're smudged from Terezi's licking. Speaking of Terezi, she doesn't come to Can Town as often as she used to, like she's not here now. She's been off for a while. You'd say depressed if you were the invasive mind-probing type, but you figure she's a strong independent woman who don't need no man prying into her biznasty. She can make her own choices about the kinds of shitty clowns she wants to date.

The recent baby-scandal seems to have cheered her up a bit, so that is also a plus.

"What, do I have something on my face?"

You've been staring at Karkat for a creepy long time. You guess it's time to own up. "Nothing. I just think it was nice of you to play along for Terezi's sake. You know how she's been lately."

"Yeah, I know."

You work mostly in silence after that, though after the roads are done, Karkat goes back for the construction paper and makes tiny sickles. The two of you have your first domestic dispute.

"Once a Threshecutioner, always a Threshecutioner!"

"Dude, DJ doesn't agree with that shitty Alternian military propaganda."

"It's not just military! The Threshecutioner Corps are a respectable subculture and an important part of this young troll's identity."

"I'm down with the sickles. The sickles are rad. But no son of mine is growing up a fascist fishbitch-worshiper."

"So what, you want to just take Her Condescension out of the equation?"

"Why not? S'not like you agree with her either."

"Because there's no point to being a Threshie if there's no Empress to serve!"

"They can all be mercenaries or vigilantes after her fall. Whole army of Batmans - Batmen? - kicking ass and chewing bubblegum but being all out of bubblegum, serving up villains like they're butlers. Just picture it: the Threshies turn Alternia into Butler Island."

"No. Butlers are disgusting. Have you met a butler lusus? They're fucking hoofbeasts with trolloid heads and that weird facial hair that adult human males grow."

"Sounds legit."

"And they produce lusus milk that they use to feed their charge and _do you know the kinds of mental images you've infected me with?_ I'd rather gut myself and spill my entrails to be read for shitty prophecies than imagine the entire Threshecutioner Corps with _udders_."

"Whoa, how did we get to-- Nevermind. I was gonna say, if you really need an Empress, you can go with--"

"Dave, no."

"--the Empress--"

"Dave don't you dare."

"--of Beforus."

"Fuck you in the snout holes with Kanaya's chainsaw. Threshecutioners on Beforus were tax accountants!"

You start a chalk drawing of Karkat with giant nerd glasses and a pocket protector. He leaps for your hand and you wrestle for the chalk, fumbling it and losing it somewhere in your cape. You quickly grab another piece, but Karkat tries to smear the drawing, making it so you have to fend him off to draw a couple more wobbly lines.

It devolves into full on shoving and sissy-slaps. Karkat makes half of a "Dave is this you" parody with your head on a lusus' body. An udder-beast or whatever they're called. He didn't get to the legs before you tackled him to the ground. You blow a raspberry right on the sensitive part under his ear because you are the epitome of maturity.

"What are you boys doing?"

Oh fuck she's sober.

"We're playing house. Shut up, Rose." Goddamn cockblocking ecto-sisters.

"I didn't say anything." Her eyebrow quirks up annoyingly high.

"You were gonna. So shut up."

Rose does the smirky eyebrow thing at Karkat instead. He launches into a screaming invective-filled rant that ends with "and give me back my romance novel". 

Yup. All is well on the meteor.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey~ So I set up an [ask box thingy](http://cthchewy.tumblr.com/ask). It's there if you want to request stuff?


End file.
